The draw behind Brokeback Mountain

This weekend, we were at the In-Laws house picking up the kids. Father in law asked if we wanted to watch "The Constant Gardener." DearWife perked up at the suggestion, and said "Khyle, would you like to watch that?"


"Why not?"

"Because Ralph Fiennes can't pronounce his own name. Because everything he's been in since Strange Days has been pretentious bs. And mostly because it doesn't interest me at all."

"So you won't watch any movies with me that you don't like?"

"When was the last time you watched any movies with me that you didn't like?" Never. I've watched the following movies in the last month, and she's watched none of them. All classics, to be sure.
There are more. But you get the picture. She hates these movies. And if she doesn't want to watch with me, I can live with that. But I will not react to the "Please watch with me" plea - even if she uses the puppy-eye tactic.

The capper, however came late last night. I had successfully negotiated that we'd watch Leno over a Tivo'd Gilmore Girls. Things were going fine. Guest #1 - Heath Ledger. Brokeback Mountain.

I started to drift off, and DearWife sensed weakness. "Would you go see Brokeback Mountain with me?"

"No. Never."

"But it's a Cowboy story."

"It's a gay cowboy story. It's just wrong."

We got into a discussion, and it turns out that not only is it a gay cowboy story, it's a story about two married gay cowboys. Suddenly, the accolades, the positive press, and the female following made sense. You see, there is but one rule for a successful chick flick. Pay attention, and you will make a ton of money.

You have to have the main female character cheat on her husband. And in Brokeback Mountain, both main characters are cheating, so you get twice the effect. You see, cheating makes it romantic. Surely, you jest Khyle, that isn't true! But it is.

Lets take two chick-flick romance movies at random. Ok, I randomly searched the internet for 'chick flick romance' and "The English Patient" and "Bridges of Madison County" came up. I swear - it was random. English Patient is about our enunciation-challenged hero Ralph Fiennes hooking up with skinny, unattractive married Kristen Scott Thomas. There's also a plane crash. But mainly it's about how romantic it is for Thomas to cheat on nice guy Colin Firth. I think the poetic justice angle at the end did provide some much needed levity though.

The bridge movie is about a hard working farmer who busts his ass his whole life. He takes his kids out of town for a weekend. And his wife cheats on him with the first guy who happens by. And this is romantic. The second worst part about it is the son's reaction. "Oh she found true love."

I think the appropriate reaction would closer to "let's move her grave far from Dad's site." Obviously the worst part about the movie is Clint Eastwood's participation.

1 comment:

Muskyboy said...

If there is any person I would figure would want to see homo mountain it's you.