Year 40 - or a long rambling incoherent post

I turned 39 last week. I don't make new years resolutions. But I'm going to make a couple resolutions for my 40th year on earth.

• Really really really focus on not saying no to my kids. I have a horrible habit of saying no when I really mean "I don't want to have to clean that up."
  
• Stop clenching my jawthe.
• Cut down the time I spend in the car getting to and from work.
• Play outside with the kids more.
• For chrissake work out more.

It's funny, someone asked DearWife last week if it was more or less difficult having the third than it was the second child. She said, "oh, it's much easier with the third."

I almost choked to death on my pizza when she said that. She gave me what I consider a pre-dirty look. The look meant, you better have a good explanation for your near death pizza moment there pal, because if you are going to make fun of me I'll finish the job.

She explained herself. I explained myself. SO it boiled down to this. She is worried primarily about giving the kids enough attention. Making sure they are being stimulated. Making sure they are not bored. Making sure that they can explore and create.

My primary concern is order. How chaotic is the household? Can I keep them all in my line of sight to make sure they don't run off and get into some kind of trouble? What is the likelihood that I can keep all of them in the perfect state of 'not crying.'

So we're both right.

Back to my 40th year...I work a decent amount. I enjoy it. But, part of who I am is being stressed out about it. I'm never happy with work-based accomplishments except in a very temporary way. My commute takes a long time, and working at a startup takes a lot of time, and not just 9-5.

I will be listening to the radio and completely lose track of what they are saying because I'm thinking about work. I start to think of all the things I need to accomplish and find I've been clenching my teeth so hard my jaw hurts for hours. I dream about work.

So what I'm saying is that I have a hard time turning off work. I will be thinking about clients when I'm reading books to the kids. And I'm not happy I do it. But I can't stop it.

What I need to do is be more involved when I'm at home. Hell, I chose to make my own life this complicated. And frankly, it's a great life. Beautiful loving wife. 3 great kids. Interesting challenging work for which I am paid fairly.

But none of that stops me from stressing out about it. So I'm going to make a concerted effort to be at home when I'm at home. And to be at work when I'm at work. But it's hard.