Separation Anxiety

Warning: Guest post by sappy mom. Khyle has asked me to guest post in the past, so here I go.

My life right now is all about my kids. I love being a SAHM, and appreciate that I can (shout out to our money maker!). So really, any blog or guest entries would be all about my kids and how damn cute they are. Still, there are days that I can’t wait for nap, for Khyle to come home, for bedtime. And, I often feel guilty about that.

Today I am On My Own. Khyle left before we woke up and has a poker game after work so he won’t be home until we are all in bed and fast asleep. Also, Friday is the one day of the week that the boys and I don’t have music or playgroup or story time or mommy & me. Usually I look forward to a lazy day with no agenda. However, knowing that I am On My Own, I was looking for something to do.

If you read this blog you know that sometimes the boys have issues with me leaving to work out at the club. I mentioned to BigBrother the possibility of going to the “playplace” at mommy’s health club in the past. He seemed open to it. Some of my friends were going this morning and bringing their kids, so I knew my boys would have friends there. Really? It was me I was trying to convince. We have never left the boys with any caregivers other than their grandparents – people who love them as much as we love them. But my parents are on vacation, and Khyle’s parents live far enough away we only see them on weekends.

The club was busy, but most of the kids were being picked up from the center. I filled out the sign in and showed BigBrother that I would just be upstairs. I told him if he wanted me he could ask one of the ladies to get me. (“Will she carry you down?” was his question). Then I watched as my little blondie-blue toddled away from me holding the finger of a cute college-aged girl. My brownie-brown barely glanced back at me when he saw a couple of his friends playing with all the cool toys. And I was left teary-eyed to go work out.

Luckily I did have friends there who made me feel better about abandoning my children with People Who Do Not Love Them (much less KNOW them!). I planned to do the elliptical fully expecting one of the center employees to come up within 15 minutes to tell me I needed to come get my children because they were crying so hard for missing their mommy. I was grateful to be able to get in a good workout, but I was feeling so guilty for leaving my children downstairs.

Then I received a message. From John Leguizamo. I was reading InStyle from August 2005 (Excuse me? Where are the current issues of People and Us Weekly? That is what my dues are paying for!) It was a photo of him and his then 2 year old daughter. He was quoted as saying that little girls rock their daddy’s world (no pressure honey). Then he was quoted as saying something I found extremely profound: With kids, the days are long, but the years are quick. (I am probably paraphrasing, it could have been the years are short.)

So it puts into perspective why I simultaneously feel like I am never giving enough to my kids and I am exhausted from giving my all. Why it seems like some days bedtime will never come, yet I have spent over 1,000 days with BigBrother and it feels like seconds. Why maybe once in a while I can work out BEFORE Khyle gets home from work and just enjoy his grown up company in the evening.

And you know what? I worked out for 45 minutes and stretched before going downstairs to the boys. Although they were playing happily when I got there, I swear LittleBrother made an about-to-cry face that said “Thank God you’re here!” And BigBrother said he had fun, but didn’t want to go back. Will I try it again? Maybe. But then again, my parents get back from Mexico tomorrow, so maybe I won’t need to!


Kel said...

Very nice post.

I was at home until my girls started preschool and then we took them to work with us around school hours until we sold our business. I was then home again until my DH entered a work "transition" and I worked FT, commute and all for 2 yrs until we felt "settled". Now I am home FT again. I feel like I have seen all the options.

My younger daughter once said that she "wished the president would pay mommies and daddies to stay home and take care of their children."

I know we all do what we can when we can, but I do support those who aren't afraid to step up and stay home. Especially with older kids. Too many people go back to work when they really need us.

- just another sappy, rambling 'ol SAHM

Dear Wife said...

I agree with you AND your daughter (what insight!). I taught middle school for a short time, and I saw first hand how kids were affected by different levels of parental involvement. It is such a tumultuous time and the kids are going through so much emotionally, socially and mentally. I hope to be there for my kids when they are that age.

Kel said...

interesting that you taught MS, so you know what I mean

I remember a guy that I use to work with telling me how he and his wife (a MS principal!) had planned their careers so that she could be home when their daughter turned 12 yrs old!

I think the kids need us more when they are older and trying to sort out what everything means, what they are feeling etc